Seeded player

Millions of sunflower seeds. But they're not sunflower seeds. Each is made of porcelain, and is hand-painted. No two, claims the artist, are identical. 

At first glance, a vision of overwhelming uniformity. Closer acquaintance reveals diversity. Hmm. No wonder Mr Gnome was eager to experience the latest 'installation' sited in the vast Turbine Hall of London's Tate Modern art gallery.

Creator Ai Weiwei's original intention was that visitors should walk about on the 'seeds'. However, the clouds of porcelain dust released by such activity was deemed a health hazard and, days after opening,  the installation was roped off from the public.

No such worries, of course, for Mr Gnome who, as always, relished the opportunity to 'get stuck in'.

By the way, there was absolutely nothing surreptitious about this gnome/art interface. Details on request.

Loads more info at the Tate Modern website.

Gnome goal

A paragon of discretion, Mr Gnome keeps his football-related preferences under wraps - he hates to disappoint.


That said, he's delighted to boost local team Coventry City, despite the fact that sky blue isn't in his (highly restricted) colour palette of choice - he goes for earthy tones.

No surprise, therefore, that he's more than chuffed to toot his metaphorical trumpet in favour of Coventry City's splendid garden gnomes, available in both home (above) and away kits.

And, should anyone be remotely interested, Mr Gnome may be about to participate in a football-gnome related discussion on his favourite radio station BBC Coventry and Warwickshire. (Saturday 27 November - shortly after 9.00am)

One feels the news room is anticipating a 'slow' day...

For the L of it

Succumbing to a frenzy of self-reference, Mr Gnome celebrated a friend's fiftieth birthday with a selection from his ludicrously varied back catalogue.


Double click on the image to enlarge - should you wish to, of course.

His beautiful laundrette

Community-spirited, minimalist and squeaky clean, Mr Gnome is unashamedly a massive fan of that splendid institution the launderette.

Havens of warmth and well-thumbed magazines, laundromats continue to provide valued service to the community - where else to take one's double duvets for their monthly/quarterly/annual wash?

Mr G is particularely fond of the Sparklean Laundrette in Stratford-upon-Avon's charming Old Town, conveniently sited on the corner of Bull Street and Sanctus Street.

The establishment offers 'added value' inasmuch as it is patronised by members of the nearby Royal Shakespeare Company - thespians have the same laundry needs as lesser mortals.

Where else is it entirely possible to encounter Lady Macbeth applying a squirt of Vanish to a well-worn T-shirt ('Out damned spot!')?

Mr Gnome once found himself co-laundering with a leading actress from the popular telly series The House of Elliot.

Something about which to get in a lather?

Snow fun for Mr G

Mr Gnome relishes the wintery delights of our current cold spell.

He's posing outside his new home beside the Grand Union Canal. Hurrah!

(Normal posting will be resumed as soon as the Human Being's internet connection is re-established following chnage of address.)

Christmas cornucopia

Once again, Christmas has brought a torrent of fabulous gifts. Mr G is beside himself with pleasure and gratitude.

• A suite of office-related paraphernalia: tape dispenser, stapler, hole-punch, pen holder - each item bearing iconic images of Mr Gnome. How useful.
• A pack of gnome-inspired playing cards. Snap!
• A trio of glow-in-the-dark gnome figurines, inspired surely by the famed Easter Island statues. Uplifting.

Hurrah for Christmas!

Mr G gets on bard - er, on board....

Mr Gnome muses that summer's lease (2008) has definitely had all too short a date.

In fact the stage seemed set for melancholy musings and a Winter's Tale of considerable discontent.

But, ever the optimist, Mr G has shaken off dull care and is enthused, energised and excited by the arrival of a bulky envelope from the Royal Shakespeare Company.

Hurrah!

It contains a torrent of information about the 2009 season of plays to be staged in the 'rusty shed', aka The Courtyard Theatre, the RSC's temporary home during the three years of its massive transformation project.

Mr G is salivating at the prospect of:

• As You Like It (currently his fave among the comedies)
• The Winter's Tale (he apologises in advance for blubbing in the climactic 'statue scene')
• Julius Caesar (which usually comes across as if written yesterday)

In addition, he's intrigued by the inclusion of three Russian-themed plays to be given alongside the Shakey shows.

What's more, the season will be performed by a single troupe of actors who will continue working together until 2011.

This means that they will be the first enesmble to perform in the renewed RST when it opens in 2010.

As an extra treat, the mailing included a spelndid DVD report on the amazing Transformation Project.

Canny people at Bard HQ.

So exciting was the DVD that Mr G is signing up to make a small (he's a Gnome, OK?) regular donation to the funds.

Of course, with the Appeal's poster boy and girl being Sir Patrick Stewart and Dame Judi Dench, how could a Gnome not respond....?

(Message to Appeal Central - looking for a poster gnome...?)

Next stop Gnometanamo?

Rapturous at the prospect of jetting off for a cut-price weekend away, Mr Gnome poses pertly on the parapet of a provincial airport's multi-storey car park.

Moments later, at ground level, the Human Being is stopped by a trio of plain-clothes airport staff.

'Excuse me, sir, but we couldn't help noticing that you were taking photographs up on the sixth floor of the car park. It looked as if you were taking pictures of a little thing. A bird?'

'Er, are you security?'

'Yes, sir, we are.'

'Oh. Well, actually (fumbling in bag) I was taking some pictures of, um, my gnome.'

By now the trio are in the full-on presence of Mr G.

The HB continues feebly: 'He has a website.... He isn't political.'

A pause. The prospect of internment looms briefly.

But, once again, the 'G-force' has its semi-numinous effect.

The trio smile and move on.

Mr G and the HB continue to check-in, both strangely encouraged by the vigilance and politeness of these watchful guardians.

(Grateful fraternal acknowledgment re headline.)

Trailer

August already?

Greeted this morning by a far-from-speedy chum, Mr G has decided to take this month at, well, a gastropod's gait.

Shakespeare mentioned snails some eleven times.

Most famously describing the schoolboy 'creeping like snail unwillingly to school'.

Tart-tongued Rosalind tells Orlando she'd rather be wooed by a snail than by him.

Why?

Because the snail comes complete with both his own house - and his destiny - horns, that dreaded, heavily freighted Shakespearean funny word.

But also very charmingly, in Venus and Adonis:

Or, as the snail, whose tender horns being hit,
Shrinks backward in his shelly cave with pain,
And there, all smother'd up, in shade doth sit,
Long after fearing to creep forth again....

Gnome of the north

Mr Gnome is preparing for a tartan-tastic late-winter visit to Edinburgh.

The Athens of the North beckons.

Mr G is making a list of must-visit locations, mostly based on his recollections of The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie and the novels of Alexander McCall Smith.

But he's open to suggestions....

Beyond shameless

'So, Mr Gnome, was the shyness-corrective therapy successful?'

'Er, yes!'

Overexposed?

Mr Gnome is delighted to find his blog mentioned in the fragrant pages of that deliciously idiosyncratic journal The Church of England Newspaper.

How kind of author Steve Tilley to mention Mr G in his December web roundup column.

The Gnome remarks: 'One adores the publicity. But in such serious company I feel a little out of place, rather like a sequin on a cassock....

'Mr Tilley says that I 'point the camera' at myself a little more than is necessary.

'Not guilty. I have a very amenable Human Being to do all the snapping for me.

'In any case, why keep a dog....?

'Too many pictures of moi? Oh please.

'Anyone would think I was an egnomaniac with a level of self-regard to make Miss Piggy look like Mother Theresa.

'Why has it gone quiet...?'

Restoration

Mr G is grateful to BJ for discovering the original plate of this photograph, restored here to its full glory.

Gnome movies

The gifts continue to arrive - and Mr G is very thrilled with this charming volume.

His respect for copyright prevents him from reproducing any more of the spreads.

'Go buy,' he says, teasingly....

A good New Year....

The Gnome sends greetings to all his blog chums and wishes them a fab 2008.

He assures the HB that he's entering the New Year with optimism and delight. Hurrah!

And lighter of one illusion, as well.

That stuff about the lava lamp being energy-saving.

Baloney, it turns out.

But its retro pointiness more than compensates. So, Hurrah anyway!

Which, of course, could be a motto for 2008....

Cardy gnome

Constant communicator Mr Gnome is a massive fan of the cult phenomenon known as Moo Cards.

Here he is with a selection of his current collection of colourful calling cards.

He's yet to meet anyone who is less than delighted to receive a card from him or his HB.

Not yet received a card from Mr G?

Be patient....

Find out more about Moo Cards at www.flickr.com

Current affairs

Micro-celeb Mr Gnome tonight helped bring twinkling illumination to a Midlands street by switching on the famed Banbury family Christmas lights.

Mr G said: 'What an honour! I'm galvanized, electrified and dynamized to have been chosen to perform this joyous task.

'The Banbury family brings light into the lives of many people. How appropriate, then, that their home at Christmas should be transformed into a glorious glitterball of a zillion coruscating points of light.

'Hurrah!'

Separated at birth?

One is a revered leader, deep of voice and noble of bearing. The other is the Archbishop of Canterbury....

As a matter of fact Mr Gnome is flattered to have been - occasionally - mistaken for Archbishop Rowan.

Mr G says: 'The Archbishop's mitre could do with being a wee bit more pointy. That said, I have nothing but admiration for this fine man. He's doing a difficult job with grace and wisdom. Hurrah for Rowan Williams.'

Mr G's art is in the right place

Mr Gnome likes to think he has an 'eye' for talent. So when a young artist sends him samples of his or her work, Mr G becomes very excited.

He says: 'Here I am admiring some delightful drawings by Paddy from Cheshire. Paddy has chosen a tip-top subject for his work: ME!

'I feel very honoured to have been captured on paper with such energy and confidence. Hurrah for Paddy!'

Mr Gnome rather likes the idea of being a 'muse' for artists - and is open to all offers.

Nosebag for an Oxonian gnome

While Mr G's academic achievements are a closely guarded secret, his love for the ancient city of Oxford is not.

He's a frequent visitor and usually finds that he has time to ascend to his favourite local cafe, The Nosebag, tucked away up a steep flight of stairs on St Michael's Street.

Mr G likes the informal cafeteria-style servery. The healthy salads and substantial main dishes remind him of his heyday in the 1970s - as do the chunky crockery and no-nonsense decor.

Pictured is his absolute fave: the lemon cheesecake. Generous portions, or what?

Mr G is NOT a fan of the minimalist slice on the large plate with the arty swirl of coulis.

'Oh, please....' he murmurs, eyes rolling heavenwards.

The cafe is popular with students and dons, affording splendid opportunities to 'listen in' as one munches. Mr G has turned a discreetly sympathetic ear to many anguished outpourings re the state of Phyllida's PhD or Giles's overdue essay on metaphysical poetry....

Three rumbustious cheers for The Nosebag.