Small, stylish and speedy

Mr Gnome is to cars as Queen Victoria was to roller-skating - not particularly well acquainted.

If pressed, he will admit to a smouldering passion for the half-timbered pleasures afforded by the Morris Minor Traveller.

But he's prepared, every now and then, to be seduced by the shiny delights of more modern motors.

The 'new' Mini is a case in point.

Mr Gnome is unashamedly interested in that key question regarding any new car: 'What colour is it?'

He feels that red is the sine qua non tint for this particular set of wheels. For a vehicle so packed with 'va-va-voom' any other colour would be inadequate. Pale chartreuse? Please....

Ever alert to the vagaries of human psychology, Mr G enjoys noting links between the 'personality' of a car and the character of its owner.

So often the one expresses the other.

Definitely so in this case - see the title above....

Squeaky

What could be more thrilling on a Saturday morning than a whooshing, whizzing, whirring journey through the car wash?

Yes, yes.... Mr Gnome is fully aware that said activity isn't going to gain him ANY green points.

But, oh, the slightly scary, out-of-control feeling of being conveyed inexorably through so much swirling water, frothing foam and hurricano blastings of pressured air.

Mr Gnome wonders if so much sensory delight can be entirely good for him....

But only for a second or two, before utterly abandoning himself to delirium.

As another unrepentant hedonist remarked: Poop, poop!