'I wish to make the following points very clear:
- I am, of course, a first gnome. I am not now, nor ever have been, a second gnome.
- The charming waterway beside which I am posing above is the Grand Union Canal. It is not a moat.
- My associations with ducks are sociable, respectful and mutually beneficial, but stop far short of involvement in duck-related housing issues.
- And while most ducks flap, they never flip. Neither do I.